Tuesday, September 20, 2011

An Explanation of Sorts

SignitureI have went back and forth whether to explain while I haven't been posting as much. Considering this is a fun blog about recipes, garage sale finds and giveaways. I don't get into personal info here.

But I keep feeling more and more guilty for not explaining.

I don't remember if I have really mentioned it here but my 4th pregnancy I had HELLP Syndrome. I was in the prenatal ICU and on the verge of losing my life at any moment and the baby's. Everyone that came into the room had such a solemn face. I remember thinking judging from the looks on everyone's faces, 'Am I going to die?' But there was one person that didn't have that "look", my husband. Later people told me he was more worried about what he was going to eat that day than about me.

This wasn't something new, this lack of empathy on his part.

After surviving that week, having an emergency c-section and giving birth to a beautiful 1 pound baby girl I came home without my baby (she stayed in the NICU) to a house that was destroyed. You see my husband to refused to cook or clean.

For the next 4 months we lived on an emotional roller coaster. We watched our baby struggle for hours trying to breathe without a ventilator. We saw her skin peel from lack of moisture, we watched her tiny body continue to form. We visited every single day. Everyday you walked into that tiny room and washed your hands for 3 minutes and composed yourself for when the nurse would walk into the room and inform you of the baby's health and struggles. We were wonderous through this. Partners in cheering this baby on to fight hard and live because she was going to come home and a have a bright future in our close knit family.

The day finally came for OUR turn to walk in with a carseat and bring our baby home! Husband was in a bad mood that day because he didn't think the nurse that day was friendly. Then when we brought her home, I had hard time figuring out her oxygen tank. This angered him even more.

From that moment on he was lost. I don't know if he disconnected because our lives had changed so dramatically. The laughter and spontaniety of our lives were gone. In exchange we had  hospitalizations, doctor appts, therapy appts, and specialists. We could not take the baby out in public since she had lung disease (not to mention an oxygen tank and an apnea monitor). I can't tell you how much his support would have helped me. I was so depressed.

I did it all alone. He just seemed miserable. I woke every 3 hours through the night to feed her and I slept on the couch with her since that was where the oxygen machine was.

He started to leave alot to go watch football games with the boys. I was a zombie. I couldn't keep up with the house and my other 3 children and all of the baby's special needs.

Before the baby turned one I was pregnant again but got dropped off at the ER due to pain in my abdomen. It was an ectopic pregnancy. I called my parents since he dropped me off at the hospital alone and I was going to have surgery. I came home and he never comforted me or talked to me about the pregnancy. Just continued to be distant and cold.

A few weeks after that I found out he had been cheating on me after we brought the baby home from the NICU. With several women, using facebook.

Why any woman would be that hard up for attention, I will never understand.

Somehow all this got turned around on me. He cheated because he wasn't happy. It was my fault. I didn't keep an immaculate home while caring for a sick preemie apparently. The house was too chaotic (yes we had 2 dogs, 1 cat and 4 kids).

I wanted this to work, I didn't want to lose my family. I had been with husband since I was 17 years old. I became a shell of my former self. Trying to be a stepford wife, trying to never make a mistake. Because I was never allowed to make mistakes.

Finally last October, he left and said he was staying at his dad's a few days to think about his life. He never came back home. I didn't know what was going on. He told me there was no one else. He was just thinking about things..and that he was being faithful and I was expected to be as well. If he even thought I talked to another guy he would freak out.

Come to find out he was living with another woman, not his dad. He didn't tell me until March he wanted a divorce. I said Ok. But he continued to be jealous and nosy about me and we continued a physical relationship (I still didn't know he was living with the other woman).

Then when I found out they had been living together I sent her message letting her know that he had been playing us both. That he was still sleeping with me this whole time.

She didn't care. She actually rewarded him by renting a bigger house for them all to live in and they went on vacation (on our 14th wedding anniversary). Right now as I'm typing this they are on an Alaskan cruise. While I had to get groceries from a food pantry last week and I have no running vehicle for transportation and 4 kids. We haven't even filed for divorce.

Our kids are confused. They don't understand why he does everything for her kids but not them. Last week he saw them one evening, knowing he was going to be gone for a week on a cruise. So that's one night in 2 weeks he seen our kids, but yet he went to her kids school for a meet the teacher, babysat them, and watched them play soccer.

I have mixed feelings about them both. Sometimes, I want to be his friend. We were always good friends. But then I think, who needs a friend like that. With her, sometimes I hate her. Other times, I feel sorry for her that she would even make the choice to be with someone like that. But then when I think about how bad I needed my husband after the birth of our baby and she was all too happy to distract him, I hate her again. Obviously there is hurt and low self esteem in her past to make her even want to be with someone who has done what he has done to her and to me.

Through counseling I'm getting help trying to get back to myself. For 18 years I have been with a sociopath and a sex addict. I guess I thought things would change after we went through our daughter's struggles. I thought that would change him seeing his 1 pound baby struggle to live and seeing his wife close to death. He changed all right, just not for the better.

So through depression, struggles with anxiety and lack of money I have had hard time posting. I haven't really had the money to make new recipes.

Good news is, through all this God gave me a second chance at life. A good life. Being happy with myself or with a partner. I have met someone who couldn't be more opposite than my sociopathic ex. I'm better just from knowing him. Makes me realize how bad I had it for so long, and I will never settle for less than I deserve ever again. The minute you settle for less than you deserve you get even less than that. And this is just a short explanation. I could never get into all that I have been through with him.

I don't think Angie S. will ever understant the pain that she has put everyone through just because she lacks the self esteem to find a good man and have high standards not just for herself but for her kids. I raised my standards, my ex doesn't even meet them now. You will be amazed at what type of significant other you can attract when you refuse to settle for liars and cheaters.

So I hope to get back to posting more. My boyfriend loves food just as much as I do and he is a better cook than me (just don't tell him I said that).

So don't lose faith in me. Look forward to new recipes in the future!

2 comments:

  1. Oh poppit, what a horrendous time you've been having, no wonder you've not felt like posting. I won't say anything about your husband and the other woman, it would be too rude, and that's not what you need right now. You already know you are worth more than the pair of them put together. Whilst it's true that situations like the one you were in with your daughter are a tremendous strain on a couple (we had similar with our youngest)its no excuse for such behaviour on his part. If he continues to show the affection to the other kids, in the long run, it is he who lose out.

    I wish there was something I could say to make things even a little better, but I know there isn't. I just hope the situation is resolved in as peaceful and respectful way as possible.

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  2. Wow, thanks for being so candid. I know some of those things you went through and I can't imagine your pain. I'm glad you have found someone and I hope he's a keeper. I pray your kids can heal from this experience with their dad. You are a beautiful angel and I don't think I would have lasted in life if I went through what you did.

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